sardonic smile

I being of such a calm nature,
A lover of beauty and creatures.
In all my life had never been tempted to even do the minimal damage to anyone.
That actually means all my life till then,
Yes till that night,
When I picked the knife and cut through the throat of that unhealthy unhappy yet pretentious man.

Pretence is one thing I hated,
But never to that extent.
Let me recap the day and tell you this story.
The day I lie in pool of blood not knowing what to do next.


Tell you about this man.
At days at stretch I saw this man smiling
always with a sardonic smile on his face
A thin plastic smile.

And as I said I always hated pretense.
So the feeling of eeriness started building into repulsion.
And repulsion into obsessed hatred.
Every time I saw that grin on his face.

Although I knew it well the pain this man went through everyday,
Knowing all this I could never find a logical explanation to this pasted smile.
After almost twenty nine years of observation,
I could no more keep the feeling to just myself feeling.

It all started when I saw my beloved in bed with a stranger,
I felt disgusted walked to the bar
got sloshed,
wasn’t able to pay
got thrown.

Managed to get back home,
Felt sick,
Went to the loo,
Puked,
Pissed,
Turned back
Yes that was when I saw the sardonic smile again.
Couldn’t think of anything but to get rid of it,
Now or never.


It would be easy.
I picked up my razor
Pierced it near the left ear
Through the throat and the forehead (with a lump of hair)
Back again to the ear.

It was really easy to peel of the mask,
Once and for ever,
Now nothing lies between the mirror, and me
I could clearly see…
the sad grim expression (as I always wanted to see)
could see…
the eye socket with one eye
the nostrils.
the cheek bones.
But no more the sardonic smile.


I’m now lying in puddle of fresh warm blood,
With the last few breaths to go.
But still I’m happy,
No more the sardonic smile.

the monster

I’ve created a monster,
Now it’s becoming difficult for me to feed him,
I don’t have the courage to kill it.
Since it wasn’t it’s fault,
that I created it to prove my mind.

What should I do,
How should I feed it.
What happens to it.

Soon people will come to know,
Soon people will ask me why,

I am scared of it to die
I’m scared of it to live

Can anybody help me
Can anyone understand my pain
Can u get my logic
Can a u read my mind

He’s so dear
he’s so innocent

but he’s a monster.
He has to die
And I have to live…

dark walls

i was getting frozen between the walls of darkness
a single step forward would take me to darker spots.
but surely if darkness is like a wall,
what is there beyond the wall,
i need to find out,
what if there was no dark walls,
what would the ray of light be brighter than,
if the tunnel was not dark how would the spot of light on the other end be seen
and be aspired to be reached.

if i were not to hate the darkness,
how would i cherish the sunlight.

that one moment of standing between the dark walls and thinking about it's presence
gave me reasons enough to worship the darkness.
to understand that getting into the darkness is like completing the cycle.

mannequins

Standing in the dark corridor, I could have never imagined that soon a door will open to such a colourfull world. I was almost pushed through the dingy bylane and through the half open and half closed door. It took my eyes a while to get used to the darkness inside.
I kept going up the steps, guided not by light but sounds. Sounds of laughter and some music.
Music which I had heard in the past but could not relate to. Music which made no sense in this darkness. Music which was being overshadowed by some sounds of voices. Voices so gay, so open, but voices yet so dark and corrupt.
Through the narrow steps reached a bit broader opening yet another corridor with mysterious rooms on both sides. From one small gap in a rooms door I could hear some muffled voices and see some muffled music being shadowed by some dark silhouettes thumping on the floor.
Crossed the door, crossed another one, crossed yet another one. And reached an open one to welcome me. The sounds inside gulped me instantly. Even if I would have shrieked nobody would have heard or bothered, probably not even me myself.
The room had lights which made my skin change its colour. Lights. Came and went, came and went. The fog cleared up. And I saw the people all around the room in a regular circular arrangement on couches smelling of last night.
Last night would have been similar just maybe another set of people. People probably keep changing but the ritual remains the same, the reason remains the same. To get to touch or smell or feel the darkness of their own souls. The soul which always wants more. The soul which always wants to explore. The soul which is always over ambitious.


In the middle of the room was a large display stand. Mannequins draped in reds and pinks and saffrons, were on display. But right now they were not selling the drape but the flesh hidden behind the drape.
A bit of exposure. A tapping of foot. And a short smile on a powdered face. The mannequins were moving slowly with the beat of the music.
Little by little their body would move. Little by little the people around would hope to get a bite out of the flesh. They would lure the display in hope of touching them. Or atleast touching them in their secret fantasies. Their drunken eyes were almost looking through the flesh.
They would lure with money. The mannequins would move closer… snatch the money and fly back to their assigned display area.



Through the crowd in a far of corner the lone musician is singing karaoke breaking the silence of the lustfull night.


The game keeps on going on. The musician whom nobody notices keeps on singing. The women keep on getting the money to tap their feet and pass an occasional sultry smile to one of the admirers. The admirer who can see behind the drape or atleast fantasise.
And hope keeps soaring high.
Hope for money
Hope for flesh
Hope for someone to listen to my music…

no one wins
no one loses
and the game continues…
leaving behind the stench of another night.

Outside in invisible letters now I can read “the dance bar”
Inside I can hear the invisible singer.

Dark is not dark enough

Dark is not dark enough
as dark hearts can be

a mask within a mask,
a smile feeling shy inside it,
a smile that hides all the remorse,
I’m yet to reveal the true nature of the soul.

I opened my mask to reveal yet another within it,
Shocked I ripped it to find a faint smile inside the inner mask,
A smile that was mocking on me.
Unknowingly knowing the shock I got from this play of my own faces.
A face that’s always dead,
One that’s most vibrant.
And yet within all this a true face with a mocking smile.

I was getting used to this long forgotten face of mine,
But definitely this smile wasn’t there when last time I saw my maskless face.
Though I never realised when I put on the mask,
One by one.

I’m a bit sceptical to meet people with this mocking smile of mine,
How they may take it,
Will they laugh,
Will they hate,
Will they love.

How does it matter what people may think about me,
Whats important is that I’m knowingly hating it and unknowingly admiring it in the mirror,
I tried to speak to it but my new face won’t budge from that mocking smile.
Few passer by saw me talking to myself, found it funny.
I had to stop my dialogue, since people were finding it funny.

As days passed this smile was getting on to my nerves,
everytime I tried knowing the reason for the smile.
People would embarrass and make me leave things midway.

Time was passing by
More and more was I anxious to know the reason why.
Finally I gave up and talked and talked to the smiling face of mine,
People came and left thinking me to be insane.
Days passed by I was still talking,
People were laughing at me.

Somehow no more was I worried about people around
Everyday surely I would spend some time talking to the face,
I never got an answer back but a slight change of attitude towards me.

No more of mockery but a lively breathing smile.
We forgot about the masks,
We forgot the people,
Or maybe the people forgot us.

No more of my questions,
All I would do is talk to the face,
Days became months
And months became years
I started walking and living with the face.

Life became beautiful,
Days became gorgeous,
Nights became charming,

One day in my room I heard a voice,
Looked around to see a mirror,
and in the mirror saw a me,
no more different from my smile,
as happy as I,
this time the mirror spoke to me.

Spoke to me about the pain I had given,
the pain when I never spoke to him,
the pain of seeing me embarrassed about being my true self.
and every time I gave him the pain,
He would smile back at me.

A BEAST AMONG ANIMALS

I woke up after a long sleep and found my shirt crisp as if freshly starched.

The bloodstains on my shirt had dried up.

Luckily it was not my blood and unluckily the blood belonged to those two who lied dead next to me, they were to young to die.

Don’t know why they were born, were they born just for this day to give me this life after the massacre and stain my shirt.

Pity.

Or was there a greater role that they played.

I got up hushed away the wild beasts trying to snap meat from the young tender bodies. I dragged the bodies to a nearby pit and covered them with mud caused by last nights rain.

Once again I felt exhausted and perched on a nearby rock. With my back towards the sun. thinking about reasons of past fifteen years.

The sun was harsh and shadows were hard.

Nah… I can’t believe my eyes. My shadow was missing. Suddenly I went pale with fear. I pinched my arm it hurt, it wasn’t a dream.

Immediately I got up and started running in fear, but every time I looked back couldn’t find even a trace of my shadow.

Exhausted and hungry I was now.

Just another nights journey till I reach the little town I left fifteen years back. The town where I had to leave back my only love.

By the time I reached the town I got used to my being shadow less.

The town was all the same as it had been when I left except for the fact that it had grown grayer.

Booked a room in a shabby lodge. Got out off the lodge and into the street.

Walked by the antique shops, took a left turn for the small restaurants that served good affordable food. Placed a wholesome order. Which was served in a jiffy. My mouth was already salivating, the food smelt great. I took the first bite and there was an instant repulsion. I ran away in the street and puked.

Went back paid the bill for nothing that I consumed and walked back to the lodge.
Never knew when I dozed off but by the time I got up it was already evening. Still hungry I got up and started walking toward the restaurant where I was supposed to meet my lost love, now a happy wife with a little son. As usual I reached there fifteen minutes earlier than expected.

The aroma around was so appetising. And there she comes with her son. She looked beautiful as ever, just that a few streaks of gray hair and a bit of heavier bust.

It was evident that she was delighted to see me but instantly I could see the horror in her eyes without her saying a word.

As usual she quickly hid the expression and greeted me with open arms.

It was good to see her son (no hard feelings). We ordered a decently huge meal taking in consideration my appetite that too being hungry for almost more than a day. The food was served, the spices smelled awesome. I was salivating heavily. The kid took the first bite followed by the lady. Once again I felt like puking and rushed towards the loo.

It was embarrassing I couldn’t join them back on the table. But left she took me to a corner kissed me hard on my lips once again the fear was reflecting on her face I a flash of a second she hid it and all she said was “sandy you look exactly as young as you were fifteen years back, as if time have stopped for you…

…it’s weird”.

I just unheard it and walked back to the lodge. Funny wasn’t this my only wish- to look young.

Slept off feeling hungry and weak.

Woke up late next morning, eggs and butter toast were laid on the breakfast table. The same pukishness took over but the salivation was obscenely high saliva was almost dripping down my mouth.

I could realise that I shouldn’t hang around in this town anymore. Paid the lodge-keeper and started walking empty stomach.

Almost a day since I left the town dead and weary I was about to fall on the ground, suddenly I saw some wild beasts fighting among themselves. Without any fear I entered their territory.

Yes they had dug the freshly made graves and trying to tear flesh of the young tender bodies. My stained shirt still lying where I left it.

I hushed away the animals and sat there guarding the bodies.

Very soon my mouth started salivating and I couldn’t control the urge to take a chunk out of the half rotten body,

No more puke. It satiated my soul.

By now the sun was setting and silence had covered everything.

Animals started prowling in the dark and I stood there guarding the half eaten bodies against the animals.

Yes they were mine.

Yes they were born to nourish me.

Yes they will give me strength.

And I will protect them till there’s the last of flesh on the bones.

In the darkness I was no more missing my shadow.

All this was a small price that I promised to the Devil if he made my only wish come true. I fulfilled my promise and got stains on my shirt as the blood was dripping down my mouth since it was my first drink…

…in future I never wasted a drop of sweet tender flesh and blood.

And always looked young as the Devil had promised.

ASHEN DUST

Deep brown leaves,
the trunks coal in colour.
It was like this when I was walking through the forest,
the forest with floor of ash.

I don’t remember how I came in all the way
to the middle of this dead jungle
had I walked my way through
or had just landed in the middle all of a sudden

nobody to be seen,
no sounds to be heard.

I wanted to shout,
but couldn’t hear my own voice,
I was scared to break the sacred silence.

Could be there were few more living beings like me,
but all of them scared to break the silence.
Hence feeling alone.

After a long wait
I made my first move
The first step I put forward
And a small little cloud of ashen dust did rise in air.

Was the ash made out of burnt grass and burnt animals.
Maybe those innocent things like squirrels and rabbits
Had been burnt to ashen dust.
And every step I took it felt as if I am crushing those little souls under my feet.

This is not the middle earth I keep fantasising about,
This is not Mordor where Gollum died.
This is more real a world,
Or maybe the future I can see.

I kept on walking in search of sunlight and water.

As I walk through the dead shrubs with deep brown leaves,
my body starts becoming darker in colour,
but my foot remain lighter ash.

Funny but true,
time was also not changing,
it wasn’t lit up like a day would be nor was it dark as a night.
Yet whatever it was it did not change a bit.
Was this place not time bound.
Had it freed itself from the phases of sun and the moon.

It was under the effect of a constant dim glow of self-radiance.
No external effects at all.

I kept on walking and walking
I’m sure I would have walked for more than a day
if I were in a place where time played a role.
The sadder part was even after such a long walk
I did not feel hunger
I did not feel pain.

I did not know what to do next
this constantness was turning me mad,
the situation was so bad that I probably wanted to die,
or do anything else to break this constant feeling.

I walked a few more hours
nothing changed.

I tried to bang my head to a tree trunk,
nothing changed,
not a drop of blood,
nor feeling of pain.

nothing was changing
nothing at all

Finally I decided to kill myself
I blocked my nostrils with one hand and
mouth with the other
I lay like this for hours
Nothing changed
nothing at all.
No pain
No death

This was scary
the feeling of victory upon death was scary.

All I wanted on this day onwards was to die.

I don’t want to live a life in which I cannot die,
I don’t want to live a life in which I cannot feel the pain of living.
I don’t want to live a life which is so constant.

Please someone help me die
Please someone help me to scream.
Please break the silence of deathless life.