Friday, October 19, 2007

Dark is not dark enough

Dark is not dark enough
as dark hearts can be

a mask within a mask,
a smile feeling shy inside it,
a smile that hides all the remorse,
I’m yet to reveal the true nature of the soul.

I opened my mask to reveal yet another within it,
Shocked I ripped it to find a faint smile inside the inner mask,
A smile that was mocking on me.
Unknowingly knowing the shock I got from this play of my own faces.
A face that’s always dead,
One that’s most vibrant.
And yet within all this a true face with a mocking smile.

I was getting used to this long forgotten face of mine,
But definitely this smile wasn’t there when last time I saw my maskless face.
Though I never realised when I put on the mask,
One by one.

I’m a bit sceptical to meet people with this mocking smile of mine,
How they may take it,
Will they laugh,
Will they hate,
Will they love.

How does it matter what people may think about me,
Whats important is that I’m knowingly hating it and unknowingly admiring it in the mirror,
I tried to speak to it but my new face won’t budge from that mocking smile.
Few passer by saw me talking to myself, found it funny.
I had to stop my dialogue, since people were finding it funny.

As days passed this smile was getting on to my nerves,
everytime I tried knowing the reason for the smile.
People would embarrass and make me leave things midway.

Time was passing by
More and more was I anxious to know the reason why.
Finally I gave up and talked and talked to the smiling face of mine,
People came and left thinking me to be insane.
Days passed by I was still talking,
People were laughing at me.

Somehow no more was I worried about people around
Everyday surely I would spend some time talking to the face,
I never got an answer back but a slight change of attitude towards me.

No more of mockery but a lively breathing smile.
We forgot about the masks,
We forgot the people,
Or maybe the people forgot us.

No more of my questions,
All I would do is talk to the face,
Days became months
And months became years
I started walking and living with the face.

Life became beautiful,
Days became gorgeous,
Nights became charming,

One day in my room I heard a voice,
Looked around to see a mirror,
and in the mirror saw a me,
no more different from my smile,
as happy as I,
this time the mirror spoke to me.

Spoke to me about the pain I had given,
the pain when I never spoke to him,
the pain of seeing me embarrassed about being my true self.
and every time I gave him the pain,
He would smile back at me.

A BEAST AMONG ANIMALS

I woke up after a long sleep and found my shirt crisp as if freshly starched.

The bloodstains on my shirt had dried up.

Luckily it was not my blood and unluckily the blood belonged to those two who lied dead next to me, they were to young to die.

Don’t know why they were born, were they born just for this day to give me this life after the massacre and stain my shirt.

Pity.

Or was there a greater role that they played.

I got up hushed away the wild beasts trying to snap meat from the young tender bodies. I dragged the bodies to a nearby pit and covered them with mud caused by last nights rain.

Once again I felt exhausted and perched on a nearby rock. With my back towards the sun. thinking about reasons of past fifteen years.

The sun was harsh and shadows were hard.

Nah… I can’t believe my eyes. My shadow was missing. Suddenly I went pale with fear. I pinched my arm it hurt, it wasn’t a dream.

Immediately I got up and started running in fear, but every time I looked back couldn’t find even a trace of my shadow.

Exhausted and hungry I was now.

Just another nights journey till I reach the little town I left fifteen years back. The town where I had to leave back my only love.

By the time I reached the town I got used to my being shadow less.

The town was all the same as it had been when I left except for the fact that it had grown grayer.

Booked a room in a shabby lodge. Got out off the lodge and into the street.

Walked by the antique shops, took a left turn for the small restaurants that served good affordable food. Placed a wholesome order. Which was served in a jiffy. My mouth was already salivating, the food smelt great. I took the first bite and there was an instant repulsion. I ran away in the street and puked.

Went back paid the bill for nothing that I consumed and walked back to the lodge.
Never knew when I dozed off but by the time I got up it was already evening. Still hungry I got up and started walking toward the restaurant where I was supposed to meet my lost love, now a happy wife with a little son. As usual I reached there fifteen minutes earlier than expected.

The aroma around was so appetising. And there she comes with her son. She looked beautiful as ever, just that a few streaks of gray hair and a bit of heavier bust.

It was evident that she was delighted to see me but instantly I could see the horror in her eyes without her saying a word.

As usual she quickly hid the expression and greeted me with open arms.

It was good to see her son (no hard feelings). We ordered a decently huge meal taking in consideration my appetite that too being hungry for almost more than a day. The food was served, the spices smelled awesome. I was salivating heavily. The kid took the first bite followed by the lady. Once again I felt like puking and rushed towards the loo.

It was embarrassing I couldn’t join them back on the table. But left she took me to a corner kissed me hard on my lips once again the fear was reflecting on her face I a flash of a second she hid it and all she said was “sandy you look exactly as young as you were fifteen years back, as if time have stopped for you…

…it’s weird”.

I just unheard it and walked back to the lodge. Funny wasn’t this my only wish- to look young.

Slept off feeling hungry and weak.

Woke up late next morning, eggs and butter toast were laid on the breakfast table. The same pukishness took over but the salivation was obscenely high saliva was almost dripping down my mouth.

I could realise that I shouldn’t hang around in this town anymore. Paid the lodge-keeper and started walking empty stomach.

Almost a day since I left the town dead and weary I was about to fall on the ground, suddenly I saw some wild beasts fighting among themselves. Without any fear I entered their territory.

Yes they had dug the freshly made graves and trying to tear flesh of the young tender bodies. My stained shirt still lying where I left it.

I hushed away the animals and sat there guarding the bodies.

Very soon my mouth started salivating and I couldn’t control the urge to take a chunk out of the half rotten body,

No more puke. It satiated my soul.

By now the sun was setting and silence had covered everything.

Animals started prowling in the dark and I stood there guarding the half eaten bodies against the animals.

Yes they were mine.

Yes they were born to nourish me.

Yes they will give me strength.

And I will protect them till there’s the last of flesh on the bones.

In the darkness I was no more missing my shadow.

All this was a small price that I promised to the Devil if he made my only wish come true. I fulfilled my promise and got stains on my shirt as the blood was dripping down my mouth since it was my first drink…

…in future I never wasted a drop of sweet tender flesh and blood.

And always looked young as the Devil had promised.

ASHEN DUST

Deep brown leaves,
the trunks coal in colour.
It was like this when I was walking through the forest,
the forest with floor of ash.

I don’t remember how I came in all the way
to the middle of this dead jungle
had I walked my way through
or had just landed in the middle all of a sudden

nobody to be seen,
no sounds to be heard.

I wanted to shout,
but couldn’t hear my own voice,
I was scared to break the sacred silence.

Could be there were few more living beings like me,
but all of them scared to break the silence.
Hence feeling alone.

After a long wait
I made my first move
The first step I put forward
And a small little cloud of ashen dust did rise in air.

Was the ash made out of burnt grass and burnt animals.
Maybe those innocent things like squirrels and rabbits
Had been burnt to ashen dust.
And every step I took it felt as if I am crushing those little souls under my feet.

This is not the middle earth I keep fantasising about,
This is not Mordor where Gollum died.
This is more real a world,
Or maybe the future I can see.

I kept on walking in search of sunlight and water.

As I walk through the dead shrubs with deep brown leaves,
my body starts becoming darker in colour,
but my foot remain lighter ash.

Funny but true,
time was also not changing,
it wasn’t lit up like a day would be nor was it dark as a night.
Yet whatever it was it did not change a bit.
Was this place not time bound.
Had it freed itself from the phases of sun and the moon.

It was under the effect of a constant dim glow of self-radiance.
No external effects at all.

I kept on walking and walking
I’m sure I would have walked for more than a day
if I were in a place where time played a role.
The sadder part was even after such a long walk
I did not feel hunger
I did not feel pain.

I did not know what to do next
this constantness was turning me mad,
the situation was so bad that I probably wanted to die,
or do anything else to break this constant feeling.

I walked a few more hours
nothing changed.

I tried to bang my head to a tree trunk,
nothing changed,
not a drop of blood,
nor feeling of pain.

nothing was changing
nothing at all

Finally I decided to kill myself
I blocked my nostrils with one hand and
mouth with the other
I lay like this for hours
Nothing changed
nothing at all.
No pain
No death

This was scary
the feeling of victory upon death was scary.

All I wanted on this day onwards was to die.

I don’t want to live a life in which I cannot die,
I don’t want to live a life in which I cannot feel the pain of living.
I don’t want to live a life which is so constant.

Please someone help me die
Please someone help me to scream.
Please break the silence of deathless life.

Ad campaign

It took me a long time to realise,
How a good advertising campaign works,
And how we become a part of it without knowing.

As all ad campaigns work in phases
This one also had three phases

The first one was where we were made to realise the need,
Well it all started long time back,
Without me actually knowing it happening,
It was much later I acknowledged reality
But by then it was too late.

It happened something like,
Everyday of my life,
I was told to be good,
Do good deeds etc…
Have a sane life
Or else you won’t get a place in heaven.

Heaven seemed to me like an exotic holiday resort,
And very soon as I grew up a bit,
Started the second phase,
Glamorising the vision of being in Heaven,

The spiritual Guru’s telling in detail,
How beautiful is it to be in heaven
And how morbid would hell be…
The spiritual healers telling us how the grass is greener on the other side,
Yet who knows where it heaven,
Where do I get the tickets from,
Which tour coordinator should I contact.

But even in the second phase I didn’t realise
That it was more of a testimonial campaign happening,
I thought them to be true.

Now starts the third phase where I start longing for the product,
and the retailers sold everything else (accessories) to me but the product.
Everything else constituted of meditation classes, yagyas, fastings pilgrimage etc…
And with every growing day my longing for the mission called SWARG (HEAVEN) was increasing,
There was a hype around me about it
But shortage in supply maybe.
Well it could be a marketing trick.

Still I was unaware of the trick.

Where was this heaven.

When will I get my passport.

It had been a long time and I have lived years in wait,
No longer could I wait,
I’m sick,
I’m dying,

I realised it was all a false hope,

I would have got it by now,
I did my best through out my life,
Helped people,
Regularly meditated,
Went to pilgrimage etc…

No more could I stretch myself,
My time came,
And I died…

Sleeping on a slab of ice,
Cursing myself for what all I missed in life,
For a stupid dream called heaven,
Which didn’t even exist.

But now it’s too late,
I’m dead and dead tired of running for the dream,
I stay still waiting for four people to pick me up,
They come people who were dearest to me,
Pick me up,
And cry aloud “ram naam satya hai…”

And I curse them without even having the courage to raise my voice,
Where is the truth it’s all mithya(false) even you are getting trapped in the loop.

But I’m too tired of this life to and least bother about what they think about life…
They keep on chanting
I keep on cursing.

Finally we reach the a place called the crematorium and outside was written

“swarg ka dwaar” or the door to heaven…

was this the last and final stage of the campaign,
where finally I get to view the product,
and my holiday begins…