ASHEN DUST

Deep brown leaves,
the trunks coal in colour.
It was like this when I was walking through the forest,
the forest with floor of ash.

I don’t remember how I came in all the way
to the middle of this dead jungle
had I walked my way through
or had just landed in the middle all of a sudden

nobody to be seen,
no sounds to be heard.

I wanted to shout,
but couldn’t hear my own voice,
I was scared to break the sacred silence.

Could be there were few more living beings like me,
but all of them scared to break the silence.
Hence feeling alone.

After a long wait
I made my first move
The first step I put forward
And a small little cloud of ashen dust did rise in air.

Was the ash made out of burnt grass and burnt animals.
Maybe those innocent things like squirrels and rabbits
Had been burnt to ashen dust.
And every step I took it felt as if I am crushing those little souls under my feet.

This is not the middle earth I keep fantasising about,
This is not Mordor where Gollum died.
This is more real a world,
Or maybe the future I can see.

I kept on walking in search of sunlight and water.

As I walk through the dead shrubs with deep brown leaves,
my body starts becoming darker in colour,
but my foot remain lighter ash.

Funny but true,
time was also not changing,
it wasn’t lit up like a day would be nor was it dark as a night.
Yet whatever it was it did not change a bit.
Was this place not time bound.
Had it freed itself from the phases of sun and the moon.

It was under the effect of a constant dim glow of self-radiance.
No external effects at all.

I kept on walking and walking
I’m sure I would have walked for more than a day
if I were in a place where time played a role.
The sadder part was even after such a long walk
I did not feel hunger
I did not feel pain.

I did not know what to do next
this constantness was turning me mad,
the situation was so bad that I probably wanted to die,
or do anything else to break this constant feeling.

I walked a few more hours
nothing changed.

I tried to bang my head to a tree trunk,
nothing changed,
not a drop of blood,
nor feeling of pain.

nothing was changing
nothing at all

Finally I decided to kill myself
I blocked my nostrils with one hand and
mouth with the other
I lay like this for hours
Nothing changed
nothing at all.
No pain
No death

This was scary
the feeling of victory upon death was scary.

All I wanted on this day onwards was to die.

I don’t want to live a life in which I cannot die,
I don’t want to live a life in which I cannot feel the pain of living.
I don’t want to live a life which is so constant.

Please someone help me die
Please someone help me to scream.
Please break the silence of deathless life.